Monday, April 09, 2007

A Challenge To Mims (And Others)

My classmate is tired because she spent all night running MANOVA analyses on pathology data. You’re not because you didn’t. That’s the basic logic behind Mims’ one-hit wo-, I mean, breakout hit “This Is Why I’m Hot.” Already, you can tell something is a tad amiss.

“I’m hot ‘cause I’m fly / You ain’t ‘cause you not.“ Obviously, Mims didn’t pay any attention to that ludicrous Calculus I lesson, either. You remember it -- sponsored by the Colorado Tourism Bureau. “It always snows in Colorado. Sally lives in Colorado. Has Sally seen snow?” Yes, she has. She has, okay? She probably goes skiing in March with her father, the wealthy mitten manufacturer. Meanwhile, we Tennessee kids clutch our Trapper Keepers to our chests, buffering against early spring tornadoes.

But sometimes it snows in Tennessee. Just because we don’t live in Colorado, where it always snows, doesn’t mean we’ve never seen snow. We’re hot, too! Or cold, whatever.

Rob Harvilla at The Village Voice sees my point. In this article, forwarded to me by the delectable Mr. Words, he offers “a graphical dissertation on the number one song in America.” Actually, Harvilla supports Mims’ reasoning, and maybe he should, given the massive radio play of “This Is Why I’m Hot.” If popularity implies veracity -- if, as V.I. Lenin said, “Quantity has a quality all its own” -- then little Sally will never see a tornado. Beyotch.

It’s fine for Mims to proclaim “I could sell a mil sayin’ nothin’ on a track,” but let’s see him put his closed mouth where other people’s money is. If you’re so hot, Mims, can you get a degree sayin’ nothin’ in a thesis? There’s my challenge.

Okay, I realize a master’s degree doesn’t demand recognition like, say, a gat. Your next album will be prominently displayed at Virgin Megastores nationwide, while my thesis will sit on a shelf above the psychology administrative copy machine. But think of the turf wars you’d win with Master P. “You call yourself ‘Master,’ but where’s your thesis? Look over there, above the copy machine. Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

In the event that Mims cannot write my thesis, I’d like to enlist the deductive skills of these musicians, as expressed in their hit songs:

John Mayer, “Waiting on the World to Change.” In this tune, Mayer indirectly reveals that his childhood home never contained dirty dishes. Old Mrs. Mayer never announced, “Somebody better wash these dishes! They won’t just wash themselves!” Ah, but if you wait long enough… I’m happy to wait for my thesis to finish. In the meantime, I’ll be over here playing Sims.

Bonnie Raitt, “I Can’t Make You Love Me (If You Don’t).” You can’t make a coffeemaker make orange juice, because it makes coffee. This is sort of a no-brainer to me, but Ms. Raitt’s song is a staple in lite rock‘s oeuvre. (It’s also on more than one of my mopey, high school “unrequited love” mixes.) Extrapolating from this song, a strong sense of ethnic identity protects self-esteem against ethnic discrimination because it does. Or it doesn’t because it doesn’t. Funny how Bonnie Raitt begins to sound like Mims.

The Beach Boys, “California Girls.” This song begins with a solid thesis: “I wish they all could be California girls.” Brian Wilson et al then proceed to list the virtues of girls from every state but California. East Coast girls have fashion sense. Southern girls have cute accents (howdy do!). Midwestern girls are strangely comforting. Northern girls are great kissers. Hawaiian girls look good in bikinis. California girls…? What’s left? Know how to apply sunblock? Have a strong sense of ethnic identity?

Anyway, they don’t live in Colorado, so they’ve sure never seen snow. That is, perhaps, why they’re hot.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

After pulling record hours in a certain East Coast library, I have to say that "East Coast girls" seem to have forsaken fashion for sweatpants. Maybe he meant to sing about New Yorkers?

5:09 PM  
Blogger J-Dog said...

Dude, haven't throught about Trapper Keepers in a long time...

6:35 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

I still can't believe Mims hold the #1 song in America. Is it fair to say the quality of music has sloped considerably downward in recent years? Hey, Mims? This is why I'm pissed. Go change your name (although I guess we should be thankful he didn't spell it with a backward 'z'.)

*grumble, grumble*

Thankfully, however, the quality of blogging seems to have soared! Nice post.

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(Because I've lost any decent vocabulary I had after defending my thesis and not to copy from J-Dog)Dude, I'll let you be whatever kind of master you want as long as you figure out how to use one of the four aforementioned signers lyrics as theory in your paper. Heck, I quoted students (not my own, damn IRB), museum docents, and neighbors.

"This is why I'm (my thesis is) cool. This is why you're (your thesis is not yet cool) not. I don't gotta write ... And when I hit the d(-fense) people say that I am fly. ... They ask me how I do it and I simply reply : This is why I'm cool. Catch me in the class every other day. Another prof, another bore."

Seriously, good luck!
-A

10:27 PM  
Blogger Jesse Anna Bornemann said...

This looks like a book to read
So, everyone just follow me
'Cause we need a little literacy
And life's so empty if you can't read...

If Eminem can meet TFA, Mims (not Mimz) can meet my thesis.

Everyone should welcome my oldest (almost) buddy, j-dog, to the blogosphere:

http://snappyjdog.blogspot.com

10:50 PM  
Blogger B said...

Do I know j-dog?

Yes, it does indeed snow in Tennessee. And those are the most meaningful, cataclysmic 1-2 inches of snowfall anywhere. There's no equipment to move it, nobody knows how to drive in it, and since the temperature is inevitably hovering near freezing, there's always a healthy jolt of sleet involved.

After a snowfall at the school where Goofus was enrolled and I was indentured, one of my fellow teachers (a native Tennessean) decided to try to visit his girlfriend in a town roughly 40 miles away. His car passed through the school gates and immediately slid into a deep ditch. Out of 40 miles, he made it roughly 24 feet, including the width of the street itself.

Tennessee snow is ruthless . . . particularly to Tennesseans.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Jesse Anna Bornemann said...

Oooh! Teacher gossip! I love it. Only took me ten years to get it.

Yes, you do know j-dog. Can you guess from her blog?

Mims should live in NOLA. He'd be doubly hot. Phew.

4:43 PM  
Blogger B said...

J-dog: Hmmm. Blonde, unusually thin, with strong liberal leanings? First initial is, in fact, J?

6:22 PM  
Blogger Jesse Anna Bornemann said...

Alas, no. I haven't heard from Buffett since high school. Nor Tina Bradley, so if she ever hollers at you, let me know - she's a bit like loch ness for us. "Us" is me, HTS, and j-dog. j-dog has strong liberal leanings, dark hair, was in "West Side," and now lives in Chicago.

j-dog, where you at?

6:49 PM  
Blogger B said...

The great J.A.Mc, then?

7:12 PM  
Blogger B said...

And when one of my very best English students uses the phrase "where you at," even pseudo-ironically, . . . my soul dies a little.

I'm just saying.

10:08 AM  
Blogger B said...

j-dog is J.R.! Oh, I am so embarrassed that I whiffed on two straight pitches. In my defense, there are an awful lot of first-initial-J people to sort through. Hi J.R. in the Windy City!!! (Lucky.)

Goofus commented chez moi: Where y'at is NOLA talk, cher'! Not a heresy, I hope.

"Where y'at" is everywhere talk, ma cher'. Beaucoup Buckeyes say it up here too.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

but i bet that song gets stuck in your head after you hear it...look at his videos on his site mimsmusic.net and tell me if you feel the same way

7:05 PM  

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