And....5-1

Ready? Good.

5. “Brown Sugar,” The Rolling Stones

Ignoring the themes of racism and prostitution, this is a fantastic song. Je Ne Sais inflation for mentioning New Orleans. Crescendo isn’t much, but Criterion 1 is covered with “I said YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, wooo!,” and the Stones obviously know their bass.

4. “Hotel Yorba”/”My Doorbell,” The White Stripes

Impossible to choose between these two -- they’re the yin/yang of car songs. What “Doorbell” lacks in Criterion 1, “Hotel Yorba” fills. (Bill Haley proved the fun of counting in a chorus: “1, 2, 3 o’clock, etc. etc.”) In turn, “Doorbell” provides ample Beat for accelerator tapping/steering-wheel pounding. Neither song has much Crescendo, but who matches The White Stripes for Je Ne Sais? Are Jack and Meg White married? Siblings? Exes? Neighbors? “Appealing mystique,” French or otherwise, accurately describes the Blanc, er, Stripes. (I took Spanish in high school. Lo siento.)

3. “Kiss,” Prince

So much fun to sing in the car, it makes me wonder whether Prince himself is a car-singer. I think no. Can you imagine Prince singing in a Porsche? Or even a Toyota? I bet he has awful road rage. And likes to stop at Waffle House. Anyway, “Kiss” exceeds the rubric on all four criteria. You know that blonde who sat parked in front of her apartment last week, screeching “Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with?” Wasn’t me.

2. “Me and Bobby McGee,” Janis Joplin

True story: if it weren’t for this song, I wouldn’t have spent two years in Hughes. In the hour before my TFA interview at the Prudential in Boston, I took my Discperson to the ladies’ room and gave a lip-synched stall performance. I needed Janis for confidence. “Bobby McGee” is Je Ne Sais: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” Crescendo, Beat, and Nonsense Words will never menage better than in the final minute, when Janis’s Full-Tilt Boogie band goes....full-tilt? Bonus points for Kris Kristofferson as lyricist.

And the number 1 is....can you see it? Best friends head-banging in a clunker car. Saturday night in Aurora. No way. Way. Yeah, it’s cliched to pick “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen. But Wayne’s World sustained a sequel and a “Dancing With the Stars” fame-extension (party on, Tia Carrere) for a reason. It wasn’t just the one-liners (“Schwing!”) Queen helped in a totally righteous way. Criterion 1: Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the fandango? Criterion 2: head-banging. Criterion 3: more Crescendo than bipolar disorder. And Je Ne Sais: “So you think you can stomp me and spit in my eye? / So you think you can love me and leave me to die?” Oh, baby....

That’s all. I’ve realized it’s not quite as much fun to write lists as it is to watch list shows. Somehow I left out “Lola” by the Kinks, which should have been #3 or 4. And “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” by Stevie Wonder deserves a place, too. Good thing I’m only an armchair culture-ranker. Tonight I’m watching TBS “Dinner and a Movie." If you’re hungry for a virtual tiramisu, just let me know.