Multiple Choice

Are you ready? The reason Jesseanna doesn’t blog much anymore is ______.

A) She’s never home.
B) She’s immersed in “Tics, Stereotypic Movements, and Habits” (Matthews et al.)
C) She’s preoccupied with a variety of mysterious, elusive, yet somehow omnipresent lovers.
D) None of the above.

Give up? The answer is C, of course. Observe these time-tested strategies for navigating multiple-choice. Don’t pick the first option (A). Don’t go with overly technical language (B). Forget “None of the above” (D). Clearly, the best choice is C.

I realize C could be construed as a “distracter.” I haven’t mentioned these omnipresent lovers in previous posts, and if you went with the “true/false stem” technique, I apologize. I’ll try to maintain the homoscedasticity of the bell curve by deleting the outliers. Or something.

Next question: short answer.

Please describe these “mysterious, elusive yet somehow omnipresent lovers.” Use a #2 pencil, and be sure to make your mark heavy and dark.

Don’t worry -- I’ll handle this one.

(An aside, though: it really is important to make your mark heavy and dark. Last week’s TA duties included operating a scantron machine for the first time. Scantron doesn’t like light lead. I had to manually darken several test bubbles. Another aside: wouldn’t “Scantron” have been an awesome name for a Transformer?)

In keeping with standard, inverted-triangle essay style, I’ll start with my most recent and specific paramour.

1) Triton. I met Triton at the beginning of the month, through a mutual acquaintance. “I looooove Triton,” W. exclaimed over IM. Triton? As in, “We are the daughters of Triton! Great father who loves us and named us well! Aquataaaaa...Adrinaaaaaa...A-blah-blahhhhh...” Well, he does have nice pecs. Wrong Triton - hey, I knew that. Apparently, Triton’s the latest version of AOL Instant Messenger for Windows, and his mighty trident allows instant downloading of MP3s. Hello, soulmate. On Valentine’s Day Triton gave me Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” (via W.), and I reciprocated with David Lee Roth’s “I Ain’t Got Nobody.” So much cheaper than a dozen roses, and more filling than cherry bon bons. Another afternoon at home, muffin? Sounds delightful.

2) Terri Gross. It’s true -- I’m a LAG. Wellesley trained me right. Every evening at 6:30, I retreat to my bedroom with a nightcap. Terri’s already waiting. “I’m Terri Gross,” she coos. And this is Fressssssh Air.” Yesterday night Terri treated me to an interview with “Richard Thompson, a British singer-songwriter whom I recommend solely for his cover of Britney Spears’ “Oops! I Did It Again.” (Look in the “Bonus Audio” section, if it’s still there.) To lose all my senses....just so typically me.

3) Robert Spitzer. Terri introduced me to Robert. How’s that for kinky? Before I found Robert’s “archived interview, I knew him only as the “elusive” editor of the DSM-IV, psychiatry’s comprehensive reference book. Now he’s Bob the meticulous scientist, semi-faithful husband, ballroom dancer. In my fantasies, Bob and I ooze through a samba while debating the comorbidity of generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. He dips me at the end, too.

With this trois at my constant disposal, it’s difficult to schedule keyboard time. If you’d like to fill in the blank with a guest post, holler. I’ll tell Terri to keep it down, so we can hear.