Not in Random Order

Top 5 Necessities for Grad School Survival

5. Clock alarm
4. C2 Coke
3. Coffee
2. Coffee
1. Coffee (and maybe books)

I love lists. Psychologists, please discuss. Is it need for systematic order in my life? Suppressed lust for David Letterman? Whatever the cause, the prognosis isn’t good. On any given Friday night, instead of building friendships at the local student hangouts, I’ll be on my couch, holding my breath for the biggest Reason To Salute the Blue States, Celebrity Fashion No-No, Mortifying Movie Ballad (“Because You Loved Me,” anyone?). On a particularly slow Friday evening in Charlottesville, I counted each of Bravo’s "30 Reasons It Rocks To Be 30." I don’t remember all of them, but my choice for #5 or 6: with any luck, by age 30 you no longer sit alone on Friday nights watching list shows.

Once in a while, I can convince a long-distance friend to join me in this mindless diversion -- is it really “mindless” if you craft clever editorial comments to swap on IM? Last Friday, a close compadre and I saw two hours of VH-1’s “Top 100 Games Ever.” I’ll let this friend go unnamed, as she probably values her social reputation. “Drinks vs. dancing?” is a good question to start the weekend. “Hula Hoop vs. Parcheesi?” Questionable, indeed.

To my credit, the portion of my brain allotted for sequencing Child Stars All Grown Up still bows to larger intellectual pursuits. After expressing indignation that Scrabble ranks below the yo-yo, I messaged my friend: “Shouldn’t there be a rubric for these things?” You can take “Yo, teach” out of the Delta classroom, but....

In anticipation of tomorrow evening’s list mania, tonight I present my own Top 10 with rubric. I’ve selected a topic of great personal significance -- eclipsed neither by list shows nor, apparently, by Univariate I (since I mentally generated most of my list during class today). Cue Mo Rocca - it’s....

Top 10 Tunes To Sing In the Car

I’m a long-time car singer, no shame admitting it. Started at a young age. One of my parents’ favorite road-trip albums, circa mid-1980s, was Huey Lewis and the News' Sports. I’m sure many families have coasted to Grandma’s house warbling about joy, joy, joy, joy down in their hearts or Old MacDonald. We covered “Bad Is Bad.” I especially liked the background part: “a dit dit dit dit dit dit dit doo wop.” Criterion #1 on my rubric: use of nonsense sounds or syllables. A good car sing-along unites. No lyric knowledge necessary. Or, if you’re alone on the highway, “na na na” requires only minimal brain-vocal energy, leaving room for activities such as counting license plates, checking MapQuest, and, yeah, watching the road.

My dad imparted the importance of Criterion #2: beat. Why do cars have steering wheels instead of Nintendo joysticks? The answer: James Brown’s “I Feel Good.” As long as “good times, great oldies” radio stations exist, “I Feel Good” will play approximately 1,162 times per day. And every time I hear this tune, I’ll think of my father, en route to Kroger or Blockbuster, pounding the steering wheel on the chorus: “So good! BANG BANG / So good! BANG / I got you! BANG BANG BANG BANG.” A top car song leaves your voice hoarse and your palms slightly red.

The accelerator goes with the steering wheel like Sonny & Cher, Sly & the Family Stone, Belle & Sebastian (see? I’m hip!). Pound the wheel, press the pedal, repeat. It’s not enough to rely on bass, though. A truly great car song needs Criterion #3: crescendo. In order to reach 80 mph, one must pass through 60 and 70. In an upper-echelon road song, music parallels speed. Ike & Tina understood (not that I’m resurrecting the Ike Turner Fan Club). “Proud Mary” starts “nice and easy,” but pretty soon....speed-limit violations. If you’re not burning rubber by the end of “Proud Mary,” call OnStar -- you’re too old to be on the highways.

Last Criterion: the je ne sais....Some songs just belong in the left lane. Before the sight of Tom Cruise made me dispepsic, I enjoyed that scene from Jerry Maguire where Jerry hunts for a car-sing. Neil Diamond? No. Petula Clark? Hmmmm. Wait - bingo!: “Free Falling,” Tom Petty. Any song mentioning “freedom,” “rebellion,” “cash machine, gasoline” gets a high score. Though perhaps Frank Sinatra “My Way” belongs in older-model vehicles.

Now the proper scoring requirements have been established, I must leave the Top 10 for another post. I can’t stay awake. Guess which “Grad School Survival” item I forgot this morning?