Drumroll....10-6

Judging from my performance on today’s Univariate I midterm, perhaps I should have minded my p’s, t’s, and z’s, instead of generating this song list in class. Nevertheless, here are my Top Ten Tunes, 10-6:

10. “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1,” The Flaming Lips

High score for Criterion #1 (Use of Nonsense Sounds or Syllables) and 4 (the Je Ne Sais....). Lower for #2 (Beat) and #3 (Crescendo). I first heard this song in Charlottesville, courtesy of The Troubadour. The Troubadour may or may not have been a graduate student, but he selected my graduate-students-only apartment complex for his regular outdoor acoustic concerts. I never could figure out his schedule -- 1 a.m. Friday morning guaranteed; other times/dates TBA. His repertoire was easier to memorize: just this song. No “Stairway to Heaven.” No “Layla.” Only “Her name is Yoshimi / She’s a black belt in karate....” Though he nailed the chorus, he neglected the intermittent robot sounds - which, in my opinion, are most fun to imitate on the interstate. Woo! Woo!

9. “Getting Better,” Bob Schneider

Bob bottoms out on Criterion #3, but he makes up for poor crescendo with steady bump-BA-bump-de-bump-BA-bump beat and leisure-suitworthy scat singing (plus “la la la la la la la“). For the Je Ne Sais, it’s tough to top the first two lines: “Well, I’m driving downtown in my big red Cadillac / Sipping on ice wine, mixing it with similac.” I must confess, I do not know what “similac” is. Sounds like baby formula. But Bob makes it cool.

8. “The Way,” Fastball

What happened to Fastball? They “made up their minds / and they started packing.” Now I keep getting them confused with Uncle Kracker, who had a better one-hit-wonder band name, but woefully inferior music (always a bad idea to cover a song that has been covered by, um, The Rolling Stones). Fastball scores near 1 (on a 5-point Likert scale) for criterion 1, but high marks for Beat, Crescendo (in instrumental form) and Je Ne Sais. “The children woke up, and they couldn’t find ’em / Left before the sun came up that day.” Dangerous soundtrack for my Delta days.

7. “Twist and Shout,” The Beatles

No matter your age, pace, or hearing level, The Beatles have a driving song for you. To work, on a Monday: “Across the Universe,“ “Hey Jude,“ “Blackbird.“ From work, on a Friday: “Back in the U.S.S.R,” “Mean Mr. Mustard,” “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da.” In the meantime, shake it up, baby. This is the Crescendo standard, and Je Ne Sais edges out the Isley Brothers’ version by being just a bit rowdier. Criterion 1 and 2....pretty darn good, too. You can’t fault The Beatles -- they’re part of the national psyche. Literally. One of my IQ test manuals recognizes “yesterday” in a vocab section: it is either “the day before today” OR “a song by the Beatles.” See how smart we all are?

6. “Gin and Juice,” the Gourds

Nevermind that every time I play this song in my car, I feel like “Michael Bolton” from Office Space. I’m entitled to have “my mind on my money and my money on my mind,” right? That’s what the Gourds’ version of this Snoop Dogg tune is about: unabashed arrhythmic whiteness. Who cares about Je Ne Sais? No time for that Frenchy shiznit. If four-letter words are Nonsense Sounds, the Gourds get a solid 5. Beat and Crescendo peak in the extended instrumental at the end. “Extended instrumental” is dope right now. Just so you know.

Stay tuned for 5-1. I’ll see if I can round up last-season reality tv stars and the Snapple Lady for sporadic commentary.