Sunday, June 12, 2005

Three-Year Itch

Mawwage is what bwings us together today. Another high-school acquaintance has “tied the knot” (hate that phrase…who ties knots except sailors?), and the alarm on my life clock is buzzing again. Well, it was buzzing until I threw the whole mess against the wall.

This former classmate is also a former neighbor. Our moms carpooled us to school for a couple of years, until Ellie got her driver’s license. Then, it was school-bus time for me. I could’ve asked her for rides, but as a middle-school lackey, I hardly knew how to approach a sophomore. While I was struggling with an unforgiving puberty (sponsored by Clearasil), Ellie had already passed Algebra I, purchased tampons, and dated a senior. I could only bow, Wayne and Garth-style, before such accomplishments.

And yet, now 27 doesn’t seem much older than 24. Not to me, anyway. As I chatted with Dad about the impending nuptials, he said, “She waited a long time to get married, didn’t she? I guess people are marrying later nowadays.” It was all I could do not to drop the phone and book a church.

“There is a big difference between 24 and 27,” a friend from work assured me. Maybe so. But in the next three years, I must find a decent guy, date him, live with him, become engaged to him, decide DJ vs. band, and get married. So, um, can anyone set me up?

To make matters more complicated, the longer I remain single, higher I push my fantasy Prince Charming on his white steed. Really, he’s not riding a white steed anymore -- he’s in a white Porsche convertible. Three years ago, I might have dated a guy who occasionally used the word “irregardless.” Now, I don‘t think I would. PC also has to fold his own laundry, wear Right Guard, and know the complete lyrics to “Anything Goes” (without being gay). Delightful, delicious, delusional.

If I must be realistic, the idea of marriage isn’t as appealing to me as a wedding. Several single-female friends and I have devoted an embarrassing amount of time to detailing our weddings-to-be. Who cares about the groom….what kind of cake do you want? What style of dress? How many bridesmaids? What about the first dance at your reception? To this last question, I’ve heard answers ranging from Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” to Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine.” I’m deciding between “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green and “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” by Stevie Wonder. Sappy, yet grooveable. I also like Bill Withers’ “Just the Two of Us,” but there's no upstaging Mini Me.

Once the wedding is over, it’s “for better or for ‘You left the toilet seat up again.’” Not so glamorous. For an only child, I believe I’m reasonably good at sharing. But I prefer to have the whole bed to myself. Maybe I can get one of those Donna Reed, twin-bed arrangements.

Good thing I have three years to prepare. Okay, two years, two months, and three weeks. Approximately 811 days. I’ll call the caterer.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Irregardless wouldn't make it past the first date with me. It offends my Newsie sensibility.

Thinking about first dance music, on the other hand, appeals to my every sensibility.

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say this... At least your little sister isn't getting married before you. I'm not sure I'll ever find someone I'd be happy enough to live with but when your little sister gets married before you that doesn't matter. If I had a few thousand dollars for every time I was asked if I'd found Mr. Right (Jesse-- I think about telling them about the doll but I'm pretty sure that's not what they are looking for), I'd probably be Bill Gates by now. I should institute a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Luckily, most of my high school acquaintances are still unmarried (granted, a decent population because the law won't allow it) and there's some safety in numbers. Most days I imagine just having someone (a doctor, retail executive, pilot -- people who are always at work) to provide me with financial support and lots of free time. Sadly, I tend to only meet people who need to go to the doctor, retail slackers, and people who are afraid to fly. Oh well! -A

8:34 AM  
Blogger Jesseanna said...

But you've already had a few romantic proposals, which counts for something. I'd settle for a romantic proposal without a marriage (well, just so long as I didn't have to deal with the rejection part).

I've considered eliminating the bachelors who don't capitalize, but in today's IM society, that would knock out a large number of potential dates.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could get married quick, like I did and discover, oops, you done made mistake.
My bad, baby cakes, My bad.
In the words of my favorite Memphis barmaid: Everything's gonna be awwright.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or, your first dance song could be totally dependent on what the band you hired can play, like ours was: expecting "Crazy Love" by Van Morrison, we got "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You", also by Van Morrison but perhaps more associated with Rod Stewart. It's the unexpected, weird things like that that happen at your wedding that you (and everyone else) will remember.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Jesseanna said...

I remember that...any Van is usually a good choice.

I enjoy planning, but it's nice to "expect the unexpected" as Chris Harrison says on "The Bachelor." Ah, the wisdom of Chris.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was at a wedding a few years ago where the first dance was to "Every Breath You Take". The bride's rather drunk uncle turned to me and said, "f*cking stalker."

12:27 PM  
Blogger Jesseanna said...

At least they didn't pick "Roxanne."

Don't worry -- this paranoia is tongue-in-cheek. I enjoy friendly flirting too much to go matrimonial anytime soon.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so, I am just storing up ideas...and waiting for the jordan almonds!

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I'm wishing even more that I had invited you to my wedding. As an aside, here's the scoreboard:

* No bridesmaids or groomsmen, just a matron of honor and a best man

* DJ

* Classic (and delicious) tiered cake

Also, I'm going to lapse into your-former-English-teacher mode: please do not use the phrase "the word 'irregardless.'" If you must, use the phrase "the forever cursed and contemptible accretion of letters 'irregardless'".

However, thank you for knowing the difference -- and thank you even more for giving a rodent's hindquarters one way or the other. :-)


2:51 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

The problem with finally finding someone is that no matter how slow you go it's going to seem too fast. Plus all those things you thought you'd a California King bed for proper sleeping, properly scheduled dates and someone even slightly romantic, seem to be less important when he makes you laugh uncontrollably.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Jesseanna said...

Agreed, Ashley. Which is why Jimmy Fallon would make an excellent husband for me.

Brian, were it not for your patient guidance, I might be OK with "irre..." (I won't finish it.). Many thanks.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, save it with the "patient guidance." At this point you write rings around me, as I gladly see every day I visit. I just get to pick on the little stuff, and only for cheap comedic efect. :-)

-- Brian

2:58 PM  

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