Don't Go Changin'

I know folks don’t enjoy being pigeonholed, but it seems to me that the world contains two groups of people: those who like Billy Joel and those who don’t.

This division might seem arbitrary. Actually, it is arbitrary. I decided a couple of days ago, after an uneventful phone conversation with HTS. She was describing the stand-up routine of some locally popular comedian (“That Mr. Pibb...he’s just lazy! Why don’t he get his degree?”), and I asked if she had any comedy clips in her MP3 collection. “Would you burn a CD for me? I’m all alone and friendless in Charlottesville...” The self-pity routine hasn’t gotten me too far on this blog, but it worked for HTS, sort of. “What can you burn for me?” Ah, reciprocity. Well, I have Aerosmith. No? Justin Timberlake? Long pause. Billy Joel? I swear, the receiver got much warmer. “Don’t you dare put any of that ‘Always a Woman’ crap on my CD!”

Hmmm...frequently kind...suddenly cruel. (Only kidding, dear.)

After we mutually decided on Carly Simon (Moonlight Serenade album), I took a moment to evaluate my stance in the pro-Billy camp. What is it about the Piano Man? In my mind, his songs can be collected in three categories: Peppy Billy (“Uptown Girl,” “Tell Her About It”), Edgy Billy (“You May Be Right,” “Movin’ Out”) and Sappy Billy (“Just the Way You Are,” the controversial “Always a Woman”). But despite the dichotomies, he tends to, well, sound the same. It’s not like the Beatles’ early years versus “Paul is dead.” If Billy Joel were a food, he’d be pumpkin pie. As Garrison Keillor put it, “How different is the best pumpkin pie you ever ate from the worst pumpkin pie you ever ate?”

I suspect my boyfriend is anti-Billy. Since the start of our relationship, he’s made me two CDs. CD 1 contains Belle and Sebastian, Sufjan Stevens, M. Ward, and Wilco, among others. CD 2 contains more Belle and Sebastian, more Sufjan Stevens, Wolf Parade, Built to Spill, and Animal Collective. No “Captain Jack.” I’ve burned him one CD in return: “Cantaloop Flip Fantasia,” Notorious B.I.G. “Hypnotize,” and Dee-lite “Groove Is In the Heart.” I don’t know why I go to extremes.

Can Billy-yin reconcile with Billy-yang? This morning I looked to “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” for answers. B. Joel was one of Ellen’s guests, and I hoped Ellen would get Billy to the couch, allowing a dose of armchair psychology. No luck. After a pumpkin-pie rendition of “Only the Good Die Young,” Billy left the studio, making room for Queen Latifah. Somehow I doubt Queen Latifah listens to Billy Joel, either.

Perhaps I’m in dubious company on my River of Dreams, but I refuse to jump ship. These are unpredictable times: W.M.D. or no W.M.D.? Carbs or no carbs? Melt in your mouth or hit you with a street lamp (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/25/nyregion/25cnd-parade.html?hp&ex=1132981200&en=b7bb95e562f8ceb3&ei=5094&partner=homepage)? I’ll take Billy’s state of mind and skip the 500-lb. chocolates.