The Honky Tonk Woman....What Was Her Name?

Did you see the excitement?

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17532,00.html?fdnews

Everyone jokes about how old the Stones are, but clearly they still dominate. You don’t get bomb scares at Wayne Newton concerts. Nothing says “star power” like a little threat of mass destruction.

I was close enough to the concert to get blown away, had there been an explosive. But I wasn’t at the concert. Tickets sold out long before I got here, and I’m in deep study mode, anyway -- Developmental Psychopathology midterm on Tuesday. You think you can’t get no satisfaction?

No, last night I listened to James Taylor and cried into my DSM-IV. Around 10:30 I drifted off, only to awake at 2 or 3 a.m. Hello, afterparties. Hello, UFB (Unidentified Frat Boy) yelling “BEER PONG! BEER PONG!” over and over. What is beer pong? I know “bong,” but not “pong.” Kids today. Sheesh. I think Mick would agree.

I have to admit, I don’t know that many Stones numbers. “Satisfaction,” of course, and “Brown Sugar” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” “Angie” is great, too. If I were named Angie, I’d probably listen to more Stones. There’s nothing cooler than hearing your name in a cool song. (I know I just used the word “cool” twice...sorry. After reading studies with titles such as “The Moderator-Mediator Variable Distinction in Social Psychological Research,” I’ve decided vocabulary in general is overrated.)

If I couldn’t be named Angie, I’d gladly go with “Julia” (Beatles), “Lola“ (the Kinks), even “Roxanne.” I don’t have to put on the red light or sell my body to the night.

Elvis Costello has “Allison” and “Veronica.” Eric Clapton has “Layla.” Ike and Tina (or CCR) have “Proud Mary.” Who has Jesse? Rick Springfield. “Hey, your name is Jesse...like in that song, ‘Jesse’s Girl.’” Yeah, that’s right. “Only I guess that song is about a guy. Heh. Or a lesbian.”

You think this isn’t real dialogue? Damnit, Janet -- wrong.

What the pick-up artists of the world fail to remember is that “Jesse’s Girl” isn’t the only “Jesse” song. Not long after Rick quit coveting his friend’s girlfriend, Joshua Kadison delivered some gender-appropriate “Jesse” lyrics. “Jesse, paint your picture / ‘Bout how it’s gonna be / Jesse, you can always / Sell any dream to me.” Joshua’s “Jesse” is a lot feistier than Rick’s buddy. She’s taking the cat, Moses; she’s moving to a “trailer by the sea.” Joshua might dismiss her as a dreamer, but he’ll come around when the cabana boys start delivering tequila shots.

Despite the one-liner awkwardness Rick has caused me, I applaud him for writing a song with a guy’s name in the title. Boys just don’t get set to music that often. When they do, it’s less romantic and more eerie (Eminem “Stan,” Dusty Springfield “Ode to Billy Joe”). A “trailer by the sea” isn’t the Ritz, but...psychosis and bridge-jumping? I’ll take the double-wide.

I heard that the Stones rented three floors of the local Doubletree while they were here. By now, they’ve taken their complimentary chocolate chip cookies and gone north. The bomb hoaxer and I have been left behind, like Father Mackenzie and Eleanor Rigby, darning socks and memorizing pathology until the next band rolls through. Any idea where Kadison’s playing?