Thursday, August 24, 2006

My Very Excited Mother Just Served Us Nine...?

You know what they say: there are no small parts, only small planets.

Only apparently there aren’t. Small planets, I mean. Small parts? They exist. I never believed that fuzzy theater b.s., though I’m not about to disillusion the kid playing Boy Among the Dead #3 in Our Town. I had a small part in my high-school production of West Side Story. One of the Jets’ girlfriends -- not Riff’s. My name was either Patsy or Annette, depending on which source you consulted. The script said Patsy, but our director (whom I still love) consistently referred to me as Annette. “No, no, Annette. Cheat left during the dance at the gym, not right!”

My best friends Hillary and Jessica also had small parts. They were Fernando and Conchita, members of the Sharks gang. During the dance at the gym, they could have danced together -- since Hillary was a boy; Jessica was a girl; and they were both of the appropriate Bernsteinian cult. But our director paired them with other kids. I don’t remember which pseudo-Latina wound up as Hillary’s partner, but Jessica cha-chaed with a middle schooler named Chad, who compensated for his runty height with a voice that might have raised Tony from the dead. “She said cheat LEFT,” Chad hollered. “Not RIGHT.”

There may have been confusion about my character’s name, but at least nobody mixed up my gender. “You’re a GIRL, Hillary,” Chad reminded us. “So you walk with the GIRLS.” But no, Hillary wasn’t a girl. Or Fernando wasn’t. “I’m actually a boy,” Hillary said, patting Chad’s head, which reached her taped chest.

If I were Hillary, I would have protested the random gender assignment, just after I stabbed Chad with a rose corsage. Hillary really did buy into the “small parts” adage, though. After gently correcting Chad, she got right back into character, eyeing me suspiciously across the dance floor. Not only had she memorized the “dance at the gym,” she knew the choreography for the entire show -- from Tony’s opening number through the “Somewhere” farewell sequence. She performed “Cool” as we stood in line for shepherd’s pie at the cafeteria. “Hey, that’s my number,” I protested. “Chill yourself out, peach,” she sneered. “Or I’ll cut you.”

Pluto would do well to take a lesson from Hillary. True, it was not dropped from the Big Nine due to its size. What did they knife Pluto for again? Something about how it interferes with Neptune’s orbit. Were I Pluto, I would tell astronomers to stick it to Uranus. What kind of a name is Uranus? Our middle-school English teacher chose to change Uranus’s name during her Greek mythology unit. After quieting yet another chorus of guffaws, she started calling Uranus by his Roman name, Caelus. I think if Uranus’s title can be altered that quickly, he doesn’t deserve to be a planet. Pluto is a beloved Disney pet, for pete’s sake. Would you shoot a dog?

Obviously, the astronomers pay as much attention to me as Hillary did to Chad. Never mind. To Pluto, I say: keep doing your galactic dance. There’s a place for you. Somewhere.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew the words to every song and the choreography to every dance because I was convinced, just CONVINCED, that although I wasn't an understudy there was always the possibility that I would have to step in unexpectedly for one of the more substantial parts...

I remember that when I got the part of anonymous Shark boy, I decided that I would make him the best anonymous Shark boy the world had ever seen. I had such gusto for acting then. I've since become disillusioned by the ego-maniacs, the disappointing auditions, the lack of pay, and the rehearsals that stretch into the night after working a full-time day job. I miss the innocent love of theatre that I once had. --Hillary

10:56 AM  
Blogger B said...

An updated mnemonic, thanks to Charlie Pierce on "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" (NPR):

Many Virgins Enter My Jacuzzi Swooning Uncontrollably Nightly.

Hey, it's memorable. Show me a 7th-grade boy who wouldn't have that seared into his brain until his dying day.

9:29 PM  
Blogger Jesse Anna Bornemann said...

Gee, Officer Krupke...

11:22 AM  
Blogger B said...

I was actually his boss, thank you very much.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm the kind of guy who enjoys to seek revolutionary things. Currently I am constructing my private pv panels. I am doing it all by myself without the help of my staff. I am using the internet as the only way to acheive this. I encountered a very amazing website that explains how to contruct photovoltaic panels and so on. The web site explains all the steps needed for solar panel construction.

I'm not sure about how accurate the information given there iz. If some guys over here who had experience with these works can have a see and give your feedback in the thread it will be great and I'd really appreciate it, cause I really would love to try [URL=http://apennootje.blogwogin.com/2009/11/10/solar-panel-construction-at-home]solar panel construction[/URL].

Thanks for reading this. U guys are the best.

9:24 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home